The Loved-Me Process
So confidence -for me anyway- is more like cheese, than a light switch.
It gradually gets better rather than a sudden awakening.
The thing is, as you may know, being you are here reading this, low self-esteem sucks so bad. It’s incredibly painful and challenging when trying to bust a new move in life.
It makes us feel totally helpless and unworthy of our vision.The falling-short syndrome eats at one’s confidence and unchecked, is a recipe for a very unsavory glass omelet.
The way to confidence is ultimately reaching a state of self acceptance, which leads to self love and more aligned choices and boundaries.
But that’s triggering and annoying to read, I know. I get it. Me too.
Because the truth is:
We have baggage. Trauma. A self-doubting identity that others have imposed upon us..
That is precisely the root of the guilt or shame that makes us feel deep down that we need to limit our reach in life.
Maybe you tried visualizing a future you and pretending the thing already happened.The “feel as if the wish has been fulfilled” game.
Those practices are so fun and really work. But there are other ways to shift your expectations of life that can speed up your manifestation work exponentially, or just done on their own!
And I want to show you one of my faves. I use this in my life and with my clients because the confidence doesn’t feel fake and so brings clarity from strength.
I’d like to say it changed my life. But that sounds like hyperbole. Thing is it really did change my life! That wee story is at the end if you are interested.
Also, keep in mind Loved Me is not about bypassing pain.
It’s about helping it. When you are hurting its better to wait for the feelings to subside a bit. Or offer yourself presence with that discomfort.
Validate your experience. Then you can move into this process.
Notice The Script
Those adverse childhood experiences make us write ourselves a new script that says, “OK, be like this now.”
And then we go forward into our whole life with this idea that this is who we are.
“This is the kind of love I deserve and these are the standards which I can expect to show up for me. This this this and this, but not that.”
So you will be looking for a memory in your past where you felt loved. It’s not exactly to convince yourself you were loved or lovable. The purpose is to give you a valid identity that is YOU.
This feeling is a connection to your sense of belonging, mattering etc. When we matter to the world we matter to ourselves.
This memory gives you the option to think of yourself in a better light simply because this was you. For real. Not a future pretend you.
It’s a feeling of shaking off a self concept that seems right now like a permanent defect, worry or pain. And it has nothing to do with bypassing the part of you in pain. We talked about that. That’s really important.
1) Find A Good Memory
Take a moment to think back to a time in your childhood when you felt loved, even if it was short-lived.
Maybe baking with grandma, moms comfort after a nightmare, riding on dads shoulders, a relative giving you undivided attention when you were sad, a baby sitter tucking you in, a compliment or praise from a teacher or sibling etc.
2) Bask
Whatever it is, allow yourself to fully immerse in that memory and feel the warmth and love that you felt in that moment. Bask in it and let it fill your being with good vibes.
Notice that this is a legit you. A real version (that was affected by circumstances and changed its understanding of itself).
By recalling this time you were loved and accepted, self love kicks in. But it feels more like getting to know yourself, a recognition of a long lost way of being and seeing things. It’s you. Again, even if the memory is of a fleeting moment.
3) Lable Yourself, It Helps
So, how was this past you who felt loved, in relation to the loving person?
If they were your auntie, then this Loved You is “niece” you. Or “babysat” you. Or “four-year old daughter” You.
Sounds dumb, I know. But judge after you try it. The role assignment further anchors the legitimacy of this little You’s perspective.
For example, maybe around your grandma, you can easily agree that you were free to be yourself.
Ultimately you need to feel that this is a valid You!
And you need to FEEL it to believe it. It will feel like relief, ease, joy, light, sparkly.
4) Have Their Esteem
Now, obvs I don’t mean to say we would do as these children would do. Just grab their self-esteem and whatever qualities they bring to the table that you feel you are suppressing now. And that can be anger by the way!
So don’t think this is about adding unicorn sprinkles on top of poo.
We are looking at reality. Anger is good because it sets boundaries.
Also, this process is not so much about finding a better version of yourself, but giving yourself permission to be more of yourself.
If the original problem was “I don’t get to be me”, why keep looking for a better future You, if you are that You already? It’s a valid option from which to see your challenges and the world.
5) Toggling Out of the Matrix
This is the strange bit. But stick with me. You won’t regret it.
It’s important to remember that this process is to heal the self love wound but also about gaining the freedom to live our lives without being held back by negative beliefs.
As spiritual seekers, we understand that transformation is a super inside job, and this process allows us to break free from the matrix of limiting beliefs and so enjoy being a creator.
If someone does something that makes you feel bad about yourself you might fall into a negative belief pattern. Your body just feels yucky. It can’t help it.
Then it keeps feeling that way when similar things happen.
The meaning assigned to the thing has been established and the pathway in the brain etched out.
Conversely, when someone does something that makes you feel good about yourself, you may fall into a positive belief pattern. Same thing but positive.
So to shift from unloved to loved, what you can do is to toggle between both states.
You will see that there is a tiny moment of buying into the meaning.
It’s subtle and hard to catch, to be honest.
But if you can see it you have accomplished something rare! You can recognize that this belief is not as fixed as it may seem.
This toggling process was a real game changer, showing me that my beliefs are not set in stone and are shaped by the combo of experiences and the meanings I assign to them.
You may need a good solid cry first or fit of anger to feel validated and empowered. This often precedes understanding the meaning. Without it you may just normalize shitty things.
That’s what I did for a long time, normalized shitty things.
So that’s the process. But we have one more crucial step to make this mean anything long lasting.
How Does Loved You Feel About Your Current Struggle?
So, come back to reality and notice how you feel about yourself and the challenge you are facing – keeping that loved You perspective?
What is the main difference between these two You’s? What does Loved you feel and think about the challenge you are facing?Is there any boundary with others that you want to make clearer now?
Be advised that often clarity is right on the other side of newly acknowledged grief, disappointment or any other upset.
Meaning, this can naturally unlock some buried hurts. This is what healing is about. It’s ok.
Just let your own process unfold.
If it’s ok to be you, its got to be ok to have all your grievances, and feel how you feel, right?
But What If I Don’t Have Any Loved Memories?
Keep looking. There is one. Then nurture it. Cherish this You who felt that.
Don’t trivialize what seems an insignificant memory.
Act Like Them
Ready for the magic?
So now you have your warmandfuzzy memory at hand. And you had a huge cry about whatever came up that was so contrasted by the loved you.
And you feel a bit more uplifted.
Do this for about a week or so and you will begin to act and make decisions from this place.
I did and it changed my life.
The most recent time I did this process while feeling in a bit of a slump, I thought Loved Me would go ahead and place an ad on a local facebook group here in Portugal, looking to buy a keyboard.
This led to joining a choir, then a second more challenging one, and a boat load of friends! I manifested a full-blown community and a hobby I look forward to starting my day with.
It’s easier to start with small changes, not money, career or relationships. I just try to add a bit of this new element into how I feel about life.
Remember, you are never not worthy of love and all that you desire. It can seem that way, I know. All we need to do is keep tapping into this knowing of ourselves. Then life is good now.
You are good now.
Like cheese.
TLDR / Summary
Self doubt sucks and holds us back. Feeling loved and supported rocks and is oxygen for the confidence needed to step into new spaces in life.
One way to work on this mindset is to imagine a better future you and become them. But for many this doesn’t feel real and so doesn’t work. Difficult childhoods make it harder to overcome that barrier.
So do this instead:
Firstly, before trying to solve a problem, take a moment to connect with the experience of feeling loved and accepted. This way you can generate a feeling of being accepted and cared about.
Wrack your brain for one precious moment and milk the hell out of it. Call it “Love Me” and become this in your adult life. Adopt its self esteem.
It’s not fake. It’s a previous you and may be easier than visualizing a “Better” future version, a more common approach.
Ask yourself how Loved Me would act and think about your current struggle and be with the new way of being yourself.
Nurture this part or mode of being or eyes to see from, every day.
Secondly, to uproot those pesky negative beliefs, see how your mind assigns meaning by toggling between bad and good perspectives.
This is a process of freedom, and the more you practice it, the more you will feel empowered to live the life you truly desire.
With practice, this process becomes more natural, and you’ll begin to feel a sense of empowerment. That it’s actually ok to be you.
Confidence is a beautiful and inevitable byproduct of feeling loved. I hope that you find joy in exploring this process, and that it brings you closer to realizing you deserve your dreams.