If I peel back the top layer of my resentment or frustration with life or a person, I see something more sinister: a subtle agreement that what I’m “fighting” against is true, while hoping it’s not. I don’t like how this person is making me think of myself because I am scared they are right.
One thing to keep in mind is that beliefs operate on a subconscious level and show up as all kinds of adaptations to our personality – when we’re around certain close people.
We act that way because of the wonky belief we have about ourselves, that they, or an event, escort us so subtly into. It’s like a spell or a realm, wherein a different version of ourselves becomes animated as we enter a trauma-based role.
Proving that belief wrong becomes an undercurrent and theme throughout our life so we can get on with munching the clover we came for. Hopefully this article can help speed the process up for you.
#1 We Are Here To Find Our Clover Field
Where we feel resentment can show us where our soul is trying to grow. How so? Because we want to feel the opposite of what this person or situation is activating within us. That opposite is who we deep down know we are and crave to be. On the other side of healing the resentment is the yummy life we came here for. The opposite of what our resentments stand for. Knowing this can help clarify what we are trying to do here.
Do you feel a deep longing for something to be overturned within your being so you can feel more like its ok to be yourself?
#2 But We Think-feel From Jail
However, negative patterns that put us in that state of underlying resentment, where we felieve (feel-believe) we can’t do much about it, cause us to feel small, ashamed, and even guilty. But not remorse, but useless guilt that causes us to think from prison versus a field of tasty clover.
We don’t consider the longing that our resentment is pointing to because there is an inner wall keeping that pandora’s box (of pain) shut tight! And if that works for you, awesome. If not, please keep reading!
#3 Why Resentment Is A Trap
The trap works like this…
We interface with BS which triggers us into old emotions of unworthiness. These brainwash us and dictate our decisions. This gives us results that reaffirm the resentment but now it’s aimed at ourselves for not doing more with our life.
The feeling itself becomes proof of the (mostly subconscious) story. It’s all our body knows now. And so we think (subconsciously) from this jail.
Sadly, our clover remains uneaten! We rarely enter the patch. It’s a complete thought realm away even though its one tiny physical step.
So how bout we just stop believing in the story? Too much evidence to the contrary. How bout we just forgive them – like the nice, spiritual person that we are? Well first we need to know who is causing this crap self esteem idea, what old story is alive in our nervous system and only activated fully when super triggered?
And once we do that we will need to get over the hurdle of “anger no good.” Next we explore why its sooooo hard to allow anger and exactly what you can start to do about that.
#4 Anger Defines Where Your Yes Ends & No Begins
Have you ever had it where you try to forgive someone and you end up more resentful? Here’s my take on why this happens.
You’re not pissed enough.
Resentment is low level anger. And anger is really a boundary trying to assert itself, from a state of powerlessness. But if anger is/was off the table for us, meaning we learned to hide it from others and even ourselves in order to stay safe and connected, then we now as adults miss the opportunity to know ourselves and to get pissed enough to make a needed change.
Instead we are left with this resigned feeling of resentment and bitterness, which floats to the surface of our experience, as a passive aggressive adaptation to the very real problem of not being safe to be or show that we are upset or angry.
Contrast that with a healthy, inner permission to have anger, where we validate when we feel hurt and wronged, and land in ourselves. That is what reclamation is about. Literally re-owning certain ways of being a person.
It’s part of the human experience! Then we can think from a different angle, from a sense of worthiness to pursue our dreams. This is what processing anger does! I’ve seen it in my practice and it’s amazing.
Underneath rage is usually a feeling of heartbreak, disbelief, betrayal and ultimately of powerlessness and sadness.
Those emotions are gate kept by the resentment, preventing anger from being processed and those feelings from being rendezvoused with.
Connecting with this part of you and allowing it not to be wrong, will start you well on your way out of the pattern.
#5 Trauma Cuts Them Invisible Slack & Burdens Us With Invisible Guilt
While connecting with our inner child, we can notice if it feels like we don’t matter to someone. And start to reparent ourselves by mattering to ourselves… and here’s the kicker: while it feels like we don’t matter to them.
Ouch. I know.
But we don’t really know how to do that, do we?! How bout you right now you ask yourself this question: ”What else could be proof that I matter, besides them making me feel that way?” Can you self-source your mattering a tiny bit? Or can you outsource it to a high power or a pet? That’s ok! Just get out of the realm where only they or that past can correct your feeling about what you deserve in life.
But keep in mind that those vaulted feelings lead us right to seeing clearly what kind of No and Yes our soul is here to experience: your personal clover patch. They don’t feel as bad as we think they will, by the way. Clients often tell me they are literally afraid their anger will destroy them.
That is a pretty strong gate keeper! No wonder it’s so hard to go there. And after session they say, 100% of the time, it wasn’t as bad as they thought it would be. They come through with a more practical and grounded sense of who they are. They start to naturally talk about why their parents or family did what they did.
They are forgiving organically. No hints from me. No trying to see things from someones perspective. Just being real with their experience and cutting themselves the slack needed. Trauma has us cutting our caregivers all the slack and blaming ourselves on a deeply felt level even if we see them as wrong.
#6 Forgiveness Is An Outcome Not a Strategy
Trauma is really heartbreak. Let me explain. Maybe you can relate.
I just finished my weekly call with dad and we had such a great talk. It wasn’t always like this though. Our (quite rocky) relationship changed drastically after I started to heal myself in 2017.
I found out that trauma is really heartbreak. And underneath my resentment and outrage was a very sad and guilty feeling me. I had to understand myself to forgive myself. I had to come to terms with that I was really upset, and then why, and then alllow that to be ok.
And you could say “forgiveness” started to happen on its own. But it feels more like understanding. I let go of that making me small and of that making them or me permanently bad.
11 Healing Questions
The Healing Angle
- What specific resentments are seeking your attention?
- If anger comes up can you allow that to be ok? If not can you be with the resistance to anger?
- What about this makes you angry, sad and or scared about this?
- What boundary seems violated or what desires squelched during those moments?
The Reclamation Angle
- What might someone have to experience to be driven to act that way?
- Does thinking about their perspective alleviate any feelings of self-blame?
- What about you did they misunderstand or misjudge?
- Can you love and accept the You who experienced those hardships?
Visualize handing back to the other person, the false beliefs their actions caused you to feel about yourself, and declare that this event no longer defines you because you define you.
The Transcendent Angle
- If this happened for your soul to know something about you, what might this be?
- What is the spiritual invitation in releasing this pattern? (Hint: its a permission slip!)
- What type of misery are you keen to empathize with and be a beacon of hope for?
TLDR Summary
We come into this life to experience new things but trauma traps us in belief patterns keeping us from those experiences. We can use our emotions and resentments as tells, showing us our purpose and deepest inner personal desires. But often we don’t due to the pull of the beliefs and the inability to own our actual anger, because it is scary and dredges up bad feelings we are used to sedating in one way or another. We all have our ways!
Take the time to ask the questions above to heal your underlying resentments. Especially this one: What is the spiritual invitation in releasing this pattern? (Hint: its a permission slip!)
And on the other side of this reclamation is the realization of what you perhaps intended for this life. In the very least, you can move more freely and feel less a slave to a story you have outpaced.
As you process your anger, own your experiences, and let go of the shame that isn’t yours to carry, forgiveness will naturally unfold. Remember, you are not defined by the false narratives that resentment creates.
If you struggle with self doubt you might like my free course Unlock Your Self Love anyone can do to dissolve core negative beliefs and begin to hear your soul.
Info about shadow work sessions here.
Stay fluffy,
Lauren